SF Food Fest. Bah.

You go into a restaurant and hurry to wait, right? You sit and wait. Wait. Oh, and did I mention you wait some more? But, when your food comes it's exactly what you expected and sometimes exceeds your expectations. You're in bliss.

SF Food Fest did none of this for me, except the waiting part.

If coming into a crowd with a minimum of 10,000 people, all cramming their way into a 4 block radius, and facing an event that resembles a third world disaster rescue situation by the National Guard, is your thing...this was definitely for you. It was impossible to get to any of the vendors that were at this event. The air smelled wonderful and there was a sense of community in this part of the Mission where I once resided and dodged bullets on a regular basis some 5-years ago. Mothers pushing their tots grasping at corns of cobs like they were born with an addiction, the strollers nicking you in the back of your ankles more often than necessary.

You spent at least 15 minutes navigating your way through the crowd that grew immensely by the millisecond, and another 30 minutes standing in line of the food stall, only to approach and find out they didn't have what you wanted...or have anything at all! The main drag had set prices, $3, $6 and mostly $8. Until you got to the food trucks on Treat and the prices decreased slightly.

I managed to grab myself a $3 Piroshki at Anda Piroshki. A chicken and mushroom piroshki encapsulated in a whole wheat pocket. This was not the soft and potato-y piroshki of my childhood, from the lunchrooms of elementary school, or from my nana's Russian next door neighbor. The Anda piroshki was a baked, HARD crusted, wheat dough folded like an empanada. The chicken and mushroom filling resembling that of steamed white Chinese baos. And bland. I cannot say it enough...bland, bland, bland. The sour cream that they placed on top did not help. Disappointing.

After fighting my way through the crowd, still hungry, we decided on El Tonayense. $2 cabeza, carnitas...oh, what's that? You don't have carnitas today? Oh, you only brought pollo, carne asada and pastor for the gringos at this festival? What the flying fuck and a half, man? I was looking forward to a cabeza taco when my dreams were shut down. And after seeing the size of these $2 tacos that me lad had on his plate...well, they were good. Small, but good. The pastor was perfectly seasoned and not overdone, tender, greasy and messy. Salsa on top? Fantastic. Heavy on the cilantro and a perfect heatful balance of tomatillo and jalapeno.

That was all I managed to ransack at this fest. No $8 Guinea Hen Poutine from Kitchenette SF, no $8 grub from Slanted Door..nada. It was mayhem I was not prepared for on a Saturday morning. You really have to either get into a zen mode, or play the Rocky theme music if you're going to come to this event. I'm glad I got to experience it, but I will not be returning. I'd rather chase down each individual truck on a busy freeway with strategically placed, experienced military snipers using me as their target for practice.